Sunday, May 30, 2010

I Need To Talk...

I have been trying to decide if I should blog about something that happened to me a few weeks ago.  I have to say that it has affected me in a way that I don't understand.  I finally decided that sharing what happened might help me understand my reaction and my lingering feelings.  So... here it goes. 

I am a housekeeper for a hotel.  I go into guest's rooms three times a week.  Well, there is a guest that has been living at the hotel as an extended stay guest.   He has been there for a long time.  I met the man once.  He is usually never home when I clean his room.  He works during the day.  So, I basically don't know him at all.  I have seen him drive in or out of the parking lot a few times... and have acknowledged him with a wave as I do everyone. 

So, about a month ago I went into his room to clean it and I noticed an envelope on his table that had my name on it.  It also said...PERSONAL...FOR YOUR EYES ONLY on it.  Looking back...I should have been leary of the letter.  But, the man had left me a tip a few times before.  I thought he decided to put it in an envelope this time.  Not to mention that I had heard through the grapevine that he was behind on his rent.  I just thought that he left me a tip and didn't want anyone else to know.  I know... I was so stupid!  Anyway...I opened the envelope and inside was a drawing of a rose and a letter.  The letter was 3 pages.  It said that he wanted to get to know me better and that he was attracted to me.  He also said that he knew I was married..but, still wanted to take me out sometime.  He said he knew that I was attracted to him, too...because I leave him large fluffy towels in his bathroom.  And that when I wave to touches him deeply.  He also said that even though we haven't ever had a conversation... he thinks about me often.  The letter went on to describe his idea of a perfect date.  Long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners and that sort of crap. 

Well...I forgot to mention that it is public knowledge that this man is a cross-dressing convicted sex offender.   After I read the letter...I basically freaked out!  I didn't know what to do.  My first thought was that I can't show this to my husband.  I was afraid he would kill the man.  I put the letter in my pocket and went on to clean the next room.  Before I got done husband came into the room I was cleaning to get our son.  I had him with me at work for a few hours because my husband had a doctor's appointment that day.  Anyway... I told him about the letter and then I showed it to him.  He didn't freak out like I thought he would.  He wasn't happy...but, he didn't want to kill the man, either.  I finished work and we went home.  Then, a few hours later he decided that he would go to talk to the man.  He promised that he wouldn't start anything.  But, he knew I was, he wanted to nip this thing in the bud before it went any further.  So, he left.  I was freaking out the entire time he was gone.  When he got back...he said that the man was shaking when he left him..but, that he didn't hurt him.  I have to mention that my husband is a big man.  He is 6'2 and 250 lbs.  He can come across as a threat when he wants to.  He said that he told the man that he scared me.  He also told him that he "might not care that I was married...but, he(my husband) could make him care."  Then, my husband went and showed the letter to my employer.  My employer was livid.  He was angry at the guest.  He told my husband that I didn't have to go into that room anymore.  That guest could do his own housekeeping and come to the office when he needed clean towels or sheets. 

I know that was a long story.  But, here I am a month later and I am still worried about seeing that man.  I have been having nightmares about him finding me alone in one of the rooms I am cleaning and stabbing me with a butcher knife because I showed the letter to my husband.  When he had written on the envelope that it was for my eyes only.  I know that sounds so silly.  But, the fear is real.  I don't want attenion from men.  I think that is one of the reasons that I have been fat for so long.  I don't like for men to look at me.  I lost a lot of weight before I met my husband.  I hated the looks and stares I got from men.  So, after this thing with the psycho hotel guest...I have been eating like a horse.   I am stressed beyond words and I don't want to lose weight because I don't want men to notice me.  I have some serious problems that I need to work through.  But, just getting this out and putting it into words may help.   Maybe being fat for most of my life has made me self-conscious about men looking at me.  I don't feel comfortable.  I feel cheap and dirty.  And after that hotel guest...I feel like I did something wrong to cause him to think I was attracted to him.  But, really all I did was give him towels and acknowledge him a couple of times.  I guess I was too friendly. 

So, thanks for reading this.  I was doing so good before all of this happened.  I felt good about myself for the first time in a long time.  I want that feeling back...but, I'm scared. 

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