I Need To Talk...

I have been trying to decide if I should blog about something that happened to me a few weeks ago.  I have to say that it has affected me in a way that I don't understand.  I finally decided that sharing what happened might help me understand my reaction and my lingering feelings.  So... here it goes. 

I am a housekeeper for a hotel.  I go into guest's rooms three times a week.  Well, there is a guest that has been living at the hotel as an extended stay guest.   He has been there for a long time.  I met the man once.  He is usually never home when I clean his room.  He works during the day.  So, I basically don't know him at all.  I have seen him drive in or out of the parking lot a few times... and have acknowledged him with a wave as I do everyone. 

So, about a month ago I went into his room to clean it and I noticed an envelope on his table that had my name on it.  It also said...PERSONAL...FOR YOUR EYES ONLY on it.  Looking back...I should have been leary of the letter.  But, the man had left me a tip a few times before.  I thought he decided to put it in an envelope this time.  Not to mention that I had heard through the grapevine that he was behind on his rent.  I just thought that he left me a tip and didn't want anyone else to know.  I know... I was so stupid!  Anyway...I opened the envelope and inside was a drawing of a rose and a letter.  The letter was 3 pages.  It said that he wanted to get to know me better and that he was attracted to me.  He also said that he knew I was married..but, still wanted to take me out sometime.  He said he knew that I was attracted to him, too...because I leave him large fluffy towels in his bathroom.  And that when I wave to him...it touches him deeply.  He also said that even though we haven't ever had a conversation... he thinks about me often.  The letter went on to describe his idea of a perfect date.  Long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners and that sort of crap. 

Well...I forgot to mention that it is public knowledge that this man is a cross-dressing convicted sex offender.   After I read the letter...I basically freaked out!  I didn't know what to do.  My first thought was that I can't show this to my husband.  I was afraid he would kill the man.  I put the letter in my pocket and went on to clean the next room.  Before I got done cleaning...my husband came into the room I was cleaning to get our son.  I had him with me at work for a few hours because my husband had a doctor's appointment that day.  Anyway... I told him about the letter and then I showed it to him.  He didn't freak out like I thought he would.  He wasn't happy...but, he didn't want to kill the man, either.  I finished work and we went home.  Then, a few hours later he decided that he would go to talk to the man.  He promised that he wouldn't start anything.  But, he knew I was upset..so, he wanted to nip this thing in the bud before it went any further.  So, he left.  I was freaking out the entire time he was gone.  When he got back...he said that the man was shaking when he left him..but, that he didn't hurt him.  I have to mention that my husband is a big man.  He is 6'2 and 250 lbs.  He can come across as a threat when he wants to.  He said that he told the man that he scared me.  He also told him that he "might not care that I was married...but, he(my husband) could make him care."  Then, my husband went and showed the letter to my employer.  My employer was livid.  He was angry at the guest.  He told my husband that I didn't have to go into that room anymore.  That guest could do his own housekeeping and come to the office when he needed clean towels or sheets. 

I know that was a long story.  But, here I am a month later and I am still worried about seeing that man.  I have been having nightmares about him finding me alone in one of the rooms I am cleaning and stabbing me with a butcher knife because I showed the letter to my husband.  When he had written on the envelope that it was for my eyes only.  I know that sounds so silly.  But, the fear is real.  I don't want attenion from men.  I think that is one of the reasons that I have been fat for so long.  I don't like for men to look at me.  I lost a lot of weight before I met my husband.  I hated the looks and stares I got from men.  So, after this thing with the psycho hotel guest...I have been eating like a horse.   I am stressed beyond words and I don't want to lose weight because I don't want men to notice me.  I have some serious problems that I need to work through.  But, just getting this out and putting it into words may help.   Maybe being fat for most of my life has made me self-conscious about men looking at me.  I don't feel comfortable.  I feel cheap and dirty.  And after that hotel guest...I feel like I did something wrong to cause him to think I was attracted to him.  But, really all I did was give him towels and acknowledge him a couple of times.  I guess I was too friendly. 


So, thanks for reading this.  I was doing so good before all of this happened.  I felt good about myself for the first time in a long time.  I want that feeling back...but, I'm scared. 

Hi

Still here...trying to figure out life and where I fit into it.  Trying to get out of this funk I've been in lately.  Trying to deal with too much at once.  Trying to make blogging a priority again.  Trying...

Proof...I'm Doing Something Right

Good Morning!  I found an article on MSN this morning that confirmed that I am burning calories when I do 4 hours of housekeeping... lol.  Just had to post part of it.

Simple Steps Can Lead To More Exercise

Small steps can lead to big results.

Scrub, Sweep, Push, Pull

Keep your body moving by keeping your home spotless. 

 A 2003 study in the journal Medicine and Science in Sports and Exercise found that vacuuming a rug burned a similar amount of calories as a slow walk on a treadmill—you are walking when you use a vacuum, after all. Using upright and canister vacuums without power-assist features burned up to 10 percent more calories.

Good to know I am doing something good for my body when I am at work.  lol.  That's just vacuuming...they don't mention stripping and making beds, sweeping, mopping, and all of that bending and walking that I do.  ;)

I have had cereal so far this morning.  After a few more mins of "waking up"... I am going to get ready to go grocery shopping.  I dread it and anticipate it at the same time.  lol.  I need to get food...but, hate doing it. 

I was thinking yesterday that I feel "in control" again.  I had been feeling like I wasn't in control the last couple of weeks.  Not just my eating and exercise...but, in everything.  I have also realized that being in control takes an effort on my part.  I know that may sound strange...but, I sometimes get overwhelmed with the circumstances of life and don't even realize that I have just basically let life pass me by without taking part in it.  That statement might not make sense..but, I know what I mean...lol.   I have a hard time putting my thoughts into coherent words...bear with me, please. 

Someone once told me that losing weight was "easy".  You just have to "do it".  lol.  I believe that anyone who says that is a) lying to themselves, b) lying to others or c) just freaking lying!  It ain't easy!!   I do believe that sometimes we make it harder than it has to be...but, easy... no.  But, it is very doable.  Is doable a word??  I realize that I am rambling....I just have so many thoughts roaming around in my head this morning.  lol.  

Well, I hope everyone has  a great day.  I will post any good finds from the grocery store tomorrow.

Great Day!

Today has been a truly great day.  The weather was beautiful. I worked 5 hours.  Then, Joshua and I spent lots of time outside enjoying the fresh air.  I'm so glad winter is over.  We took a long walk.  And then, we spent time playing in the dirt with his dump trucks and other toys.  It was so good to see him having fun.  While I was watching him play... I just got so overwhelmed with so many emotions.  I feel so blessed to have him.  I just had to thank God for him.  His birthday is next month.  He will be 5.  It's so hard to believe.  PCOS had me convienced that I would never have a child.   But, God had other plans. 

I am off tomorrow.  I have to go grocery shopping.   So far, that's all I have planned.  Tomorrow is supposed to be another beautiful day...so, I will probably be outside most of the day. 
Have a great night...

Back On Track...

I have lost 2 more lbs.  To put me back at 222.  I lost my focus for a couple of weeks...but, I am back on track now.  I worked 5 1/2 hours yesterday.  Making beds, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming and lots of bending and walking.  I was exhausted when I got done.  But, I got a good workout in.  Today, Joshua and I are going for a long walk..when it warms up a bit.  It's still in the lower 40's right now.  Dinner is going to be grilled chicken breast, grilled zucchini and red skinned potato salad.  I will only eat a bit of the potato salad. 

Have a great day!

Not My Calling...

So, I have discovered that blogging is not my calling in life. I'm not giving up...it has just been hard lately to have enough time to actually put words together to make sentences.  lol.    Life has been hectic lately.  I have gained 2 lbs, too.  UGH!  Blogging helps me stay on track.  So, I gotta get back on here every day. 

Thanks to all of you who have commented.  Sorry about not getting back to you.  I will do better.

I will be back here tomorrow.  And hopefully, I will have something interesting to say.  lol.  My life is just not very exciting. ;)