Saturday, January 25, 2014

Starting Over After Tragedy...

I honestly don't know where to start. I haven't blogged here in almost 2 years. A lot has happened in that time. But, the life changer is that my husband committed suicide on Oct.4, 2013. It was his birthday. He had bipolar disorder. My son and I were not there when he did it. We were in another state staying with my parents. To say that we are still struggling to understand his actions is an understatement. He went to his sister's house and shot himself on her front porch. I know that it wasn't my fault. I know that, now. But, I struggled with it. Life with him was hell. I loved him with all my heart...but, he was a hard man to live with. He had demons that he was dealing with on a daily basis and there was nothing I could do to help him. He wouldn't let me. He was emotionally and mentally abusive to me and our 8 year old son. He would take his meds and he was fine. Then, he would start drinking with his meds. Then, he would just stop the meds and drink more often. He was a monster when he wasn't on meds. He was worse than that when he drank. This pattern went on for 9 years. He just found out that he had bipolar disorder 4 years before he died. He hated that he lost so many years to the disease he didn't know he had. He used to say that if he had been on meds years before he was... his life would have been so much better. He felt like he was cheated by the bipolar disorder. Cheated out of who he could have been as opposed to who he ended up being. I am sorry that I am rambling. I haven't written about this before. Not really. Just a few words on FB about his death. I keep hearing that it will take time to "get over" his death. But, I am not so sure that I will ever get over it. He called me and wanted me and our son to come back home after we got to my parent's house. I told him that I couldn't go back to the life we had. And that I wouldn't bring our son back into it, either. He was so angry. He was used to me doing whatever he said. But, I had made my mind up. I wasn't going back. He realized that, I guess. The last time I talked to him was by email. It was 2 hours before he shot himself. He said that I better read my bible. He said God didn't want us to divorce. Then, I got a call from his sister saying that he had come to her house and killed himself on her front porch. It's been almost 4 months since his death. Christmas was so hard. He loved the holidays. But, we are moving forward. My family has been so supportive and have helped my son and I so much. We have been living with my parents since The end of Sept. 2013. But, we are moving into our own apartment in 7 days. As far as weight loss... which is what this blog is supposed to be about...I am on day 21 of the Advocare 24 day challenge and have lost 13 lbs. I am eating right again and exercising. In spite of the tragedy of losing my husband... I am finally finding myself under the fat. Each day is a gift from God.

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Results from the 24 Day JumpStart...8 lbs and 5.5 overall inches lost.